Rant of the day

Website updates and timetravel

2010-01-06T10:51:00.002+02:00

So, a client phones me and shits on me for not putting on a link to their online entry forms. He claims it was sent 3 weeks ago, and not implemented.

Reading through the sequence of their emails it's strange that the link was only ready yesterday, at which point they sent it to me, where it was implemented.

So, how the fuck should I have exactly created a link to somewhere 3 weeks ago that didn't exist?

Asshole.

ABSA Bank

2009-11-10T09:27:00.002+02:00

So I've been trying to increase my existing bond. The incompetent assclowns at ABSA can find the bond account, can see there's payments being made into the account, but somehow they cannot find the bond number on their own system!

How are they still in business? Oh yeah.... the exorbitant banking fees the assholes charge.

Dear Client,

2009-08-05T09:46:00.002+01:00

Your comment that your business cards has a story behind it, does not hold water if the cards was designed in Paint, with your Company name in purple Times New Roman being the only thing on the card.

Email Signatures

2009-06-10T13:41:00.000+01:00

So, a client emails me, requesting signatures for their Outlook. I upload the images to the server, and send them the html files. Everyone installs it without any problems whatsoever, except for the MD.

So, after a running through the process on the phone with him, the signature is setup in Outlook. Ten minutes later I receive a email from him saying his emails are still blank.

I connect remotely to his machine, and while he did setup the signature correctly in Outlook, he's actually using Windows Mail.

"Why didn't you tell me you're the only one in the company not using Outlook?"

"I didn't think it was relevant"

**** burns down villages and kicks kittens *****

HTML Newsletters

2009-05-27T13:35:00.001+01:00

A client of mine asks me to design a html newsletter for him, based on a pdf. The security on the pdf prevents me from copying out the text, but the images I can grab without a problem. I convey that fact to his Sales Manager. Twice.

So .....after emailing me 12 mB's of images, none of which were actually used in the pdf.... I still don't have the text.

Another day.... another step closer to alcoholism

Sunday afternoon naps

2008-10-27T09:52:00.002+02:00

To my dear neighbors. The next time you give you children sugar and allow them to run around and scream like banshees at 1pm on a Sunday afternoon, they will be sold into slavery.

Thank you. That's all.

Chevy and Violent Femmes

2008-09-20T09:55:00.003+02:00

So, I'm vegitating infront of the tv, when to my horror a Chevy advert appears with Violent Femmes' Blister in the Sun playing in the background.

Sacrilege!!!!

Whatever coke sniffing marketing executive came up with this idea should spend eternity being dragged behind the car through broken glass in hell.

Internet Explorer 6.

2008-09-02T11:04:00.003+01:00

English motherfucker! Do you speak it?

Windows Updates

2008-06-11T08:40:00.002+01:00

When I tell Windows Updates, "Restart Later" I mean I'll restart when I'm good and damn ready. Do not remind me every 5 minutes. Who designed this? Stoned Chimps?

Deadlines

2008-05-20T14:40:00.004+01:00

Don't you just love it when a client phones you half an hour after a deadline for a magazine advert, to tell you you have to design one.

Logic

2008-05-14T08:34:00.003+01:00

So a client complains that their site is too yellow. Their solution?

They send me a screenshot, that was edited in Paint (but of course), that takes out the background that wasn't yellow, and replace it with a piss yellow colored background.

Why didn't I think of that?

Client

2008-05-13T08:09:00.001+01:00

If you put a infinite number of clients in front of a infinite number of typewriters will they eventually produce the content I need?

Standard AAA batteries vs Telkom part 2

2008-05-08T09:39:00.002+01:00

It's a about a couple of months down the line, and after going to Telkom last week we were lucky enough to actually get batteries. Unfortunately for the rest of the people who ordered, despite the more than 40 people who was on the waiting list, Telkom in their infinite wisdom decided to order just 3 packs; so 6 batteries in total.

Save me jebus.

Dear Blackberry,

2008-04-30T11:54:00.003+01:00

While I greatly appreciate the fact that you remember birthdays that always escape my mind, reminding me of one at 1:45am is seriously uncool.

FTP

2008-04-17T11:08:00.002+01:00

I designed a site for a client. I email them so they can request the FTP details from the ISP.

I get a mail from the techie at the ISP.

"Sorry, you must zip the site, and email it to us. We don't believe in FTP"

**** doesn't believe in breathing ******
*** turns blue and passes out ****

I thought this day would never come

2008-04-11T08:02:00.003+01:00

Today I used the Photoshop lens flare for a project. I have no shame. Next up, Comic Sans!

Power Cuts

2008-04-01T12:55:00.001+02:00

Dear Eskom,

Fuck off and die

Regards,

The entire South Africa

MS Word as html editor

2008-03-27T11:02:00.001+02:00

It's not one! Stop using it. The next person to use it will be set on fire.

Standard AAA batteries vs Telkom

2008-02-21T12:09:00.003+02:00

Somehow the AAA batteries that Telkom uses in their cordless phones are a different size from normal standard AAA batteries. And yet they say it's standard AAA's.

Then why are they smaller than every other AAA on this planet?

We're now waiting for 3 weeks for the non-standard standard AAA batteries from them. You would think such a big company could afford to have more than one Chinese childlabourer on their payroll to make the bloody things.

I hope whoever decided on that non-standard standard battery size gets circumsized by a troop of rabid circus midgets.

4x4 Drivers

2008-02-01T08:24:00.000+02:00

Kindly note, from now on people buying 4x4's will be required by law to donate their brains to a previously disadvantaged person, since they won't be using it any more.

"Today. Tomorrow, together"

2008-01-29T14:11:00.000+02:00

God, I don't hope so. I'm starting to think my money would be safer if I ran naked through a government department with R100 bills stuck to my naked body, and a sign "Free money" around my neck than in the bank.

Because of a mistype, the second user on our business account was locked out. "No problem", the person at the support desk says. The super user (me) can log in and reset the normal user's password by clicking the reset button.

Only thing is...... the button does nothing. Sweet fuckall.

"Oh, we've removed that functionality because it's a security risk"

"So, you removed the functionality, but left the button?"

"Yes"

I stare blankly at the wall, and I feel the twitch returning. The twitch always comes back, right before I have to kill someone. Horribly.

"You will have to log in and delete the second account, and then setup it again"

***** twitch *****

I do that, and setup the second user. It still doesn't work. Only after physically going to the bank it's back in operation.

Today. Tomorrow, together. Forever - 'cause that's how long you'll have to wait to get proper service from the buttmonkeys.

Unbefuckinglievable

2007-11-13T10:14:00.000+02:00

So I'm designing a businesscard for a client. The process is slow and painful.

"Move that slightly to the right" *** touches my screen *****
*** press right arrow once ***
" NOOOOOO.... that's too far"
*** press left arrow once ***
"Perfect"

Repeat ad infinitum, ad nuseum.

I send him the bill.

"Why should I pay? I designed the businesscard"

If anyone is looking for him, he's buried in my back yard.

PS.

Stop touching my fucking screen

D'oh

2007-09-27T08:23:00.000+02:00

I've been working for close on 10 years, and the number of times my job required me to wear a suit and tie I could count on my hands. In a place where it goes up to 45 degrees celsius, my clients can be damn happy I wear pants in Summer. So, yesterday, all dressed up I go to see the Board of Directors of a client. One of the Directors walks in a bit late, and stares at me for a couple of minutes, then says, "I remember you now, I didn't recognise you without shorts and barefoot."

D'oh. So much for dressing up in a monkeysuit :)

ISP's

2007-09-17T12:57:00.000+02:00

It's taken 4 weeks to get simple ftp access to a clients website. First they send me details, which connects to a server, but there's nothing on the server.... strange, considering there's a site that is up and running. So I email their "support". A week later I get other details, and connect. Yay, everything is there, but I cannot deploy any files.

Again.... I email support..... I get the details after 10 days..... but the sub-domain they're supposed to have created isn't up.

So, as a solution to these problems, I've started trying a group of chimps to do tech support. Training time is 2 weeks, I pay them peanuts, and they deliver better service than any of their human counterparts

Chain letters....

2007-02-19T14:48:00.000+02:00

Forward this email to 20 people and Bill Gates, and he'll send you a million dollars, or some poor company will send you a case of champagne.

Please continue to do this, but don't go running to the police when I stab you in the eye with a rusty spoon.

Amazing new technology

2007-02-09T09:48:00.000+02:00

You read it here first folks! You no longer have use a server to host a website. According to a clients ISP, they've registered the domain name, but they're not hosting the site. The records aren't pointing anywhere either - but miraculously the site comes up when you type in the address.

Redesign (part 2)

2007-01-16T16:26:00.000+02:00

So, today I've fielded 12 calls and 4 SMS' from the client - they're wondering why their single page website that they designed is close on 17 mb compared to the site I did with 20 pages and more images weighing in at 1.4 mb.

You wanna know why?

BECAUSE I FUCKIN KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

Redesign (part 1)

2007-01-15T15:59:00.000+02:00

A client of ours spent this vacation re-designing their own website. This morning they want to deploy their new site. The send me a 16mb Microsoft publisher file.

I tell them they need to zip the html / php files as well as the images. 5 minutes later I receive a zip file..... all that it contains is the desktop shortcut to Publisher, all neatly zipped up. Every client I deal with I die a little inside.

Banking costs

2007-01-15T11:58:00.000+02:00

ABSA is charging me R32.50 (+- $6 per page) for statements on my account. Like that isn't daylight robbery in itself, I wouldn't need to request the statements if they've actually mailed it to me. It's been over 2 years since I've received a statement from them.

Attention Span

2007-01-11T16:08:00.000+02:00

After my vacation my attention span is only active from 8am till 1pm. Then my "I-need-a-2-hour-nap" mode kicks in.

Deep etching

2006-11-22T14:19:00.000+02:00

It sucks. It blows dead goats. If I had to do this full-time I would hurl myself into a vat of acid. No, not that acid - but it might make the experience better.

Some people have way too much money....

2006-11-14T10:54:00.000+02:00

So, some guy in our office building wants to buy the entire building because he's tired of waiting for the building's committee to replace the windows. How quaint.

High res images for print.

2006-11-07T10:05:00.000+02:00

By simply adding the words "highres" to the name of a 70x70px 72dpi gif it doesn't transforms it into print quality. There are no pixies that magically transforms an image into print quality. If you think there is, lay off the 'shrooms.

How did God create the World in 6 days?

2006-10-30T17:13:00.000+02:00

Because he didn't have to recreate 50 slide PowerPoint files 5 times and present it to fucking Marketing managers.

Why isn't my site #1 in Google?

2006-10-18T15:20:00.000+02:00

Because there's 300 million pages with exactly the same keywords than your site. Deal with it.

Content provided by client.

2006-10-18T09:36:00.000+02:00

A client just provide me a map to put on their site. Now I'm used to maps drawn in Paint, but I have to say, a map drawn in Excel is a first in my nearly 9 year career.

False Advertising

2006-10-16T14:29:00.000+02:00

So, I'm standing in the bank waiting to pick up my new credit card, and out of the corner of my eye I see the tv with banks' adverts. I wouldn't go so far as to call the models used in the advert sexy, rather normal - but then I compare them to the woman in front of me. Aparantly it's not a good Monday for her, she seems to have left her teeth at home, and she has a look like her dog has died. Or slept with her husband. I'm not sure.

Don't you just hate it....

2006-10-04T10:44:00.000+02:00

when redesigning a site that was last updated in 1998, you come up with a elegant solution that's a hundred times better than the shit they had - only to have the client fuck the design up. Over and over again.

Windows

2006-09-29T10:16:00.000+02:00

I've been using Windows since version 3.1, and what truelly confuses me is how a multi-billion dollar corporation still hasn't managed to sort out the bug where icons change at random.

Does everything need to be a discussion?

2006-09-28T10:15:00.000+02:00

...and an hour long one at that? Jebus, I asked for content not a deep philosophical discussion.

Sign of the apocalypse #37

2006-09-14T10:00:00.000+02:00

So, we're trying to buy an image from an imagebank for a client. I can't do international electronic transfers from internet banking, so I walk to the bank.

After spending a good 15 minutes explaining the miracle that is the internet - they tell me I can't transfer the money because the photo will be received electronically, and will not physically get into the country, so I need to apply for Reserve Bank permission, pay an additional $100, and then have to wait for 2-4 weeks for a reply - at which point they might still refuse the application

Not physically into the country? I thought the internet was a series of tubes with trucks in them?

Women....

2006-09-08T14:54:00.000+02:00

Pffftttt....!!!

Bang head on keyboard to continue....Part 2

2006-09-05T16:24:00.001+02:00

So as an interim solution I build a page, since they were sending it to everyone 3 days before they instructed me to actually build the bloody page. Now they're complaining that the text is riddled with spelling errors and grammatical errors.

"Lady, I cut and paste the text from the file you sent me, that was authored by... YOU"

They're rapidly ascending my "People-to-kill-when-I-go-postal-list"

Bang head on keyboard to continue....

2006-09-04T11:01:00.000+02:00

I've been administrating a couple of departments of the local Universities websites the last couple of years.

As an example to show you what I have to deal with, I had a meeting with the faculty to design a new website. The meeting was at 9, I had a quote and basic design done by 2, which was accepted by 3. Then I waited for 18 months for them to revise the content of the site. When I finally got it, no changes had been made. Sweet fuck all.

Example 2:

About 3 months ago I had a meeting with a faculty to extend their website. They accepted the quote and sent me the Afrikaans forms to go on the site, but told me not to do a thing until I receive the English forms.

This morning I get the English forms, together with a note, saying "Here's the 90 odd English documents, that you have to format, and have it up by today, because we sent out a mail out to everyone saying to check out the new section, 3 days ago.

You think I'm making up this shit, don't you?

Clients.....

2006-08-31T15:18:00.000+01:00

So a client has a meeting with me 4 o'clock on a Friday afternoon. No really. She requests a couple of changes to her website. Change some text and pics.

"Any specific pic you want with the new section?"

"No, choose any one. No, not that one. No, not that one. No, not that one. No, not that one. No, not that one. No, not that one. No, not that one. Yeah, that's one"

Like magic it appears on the website, until this morning, when she's not happy wth it anymore.

"Change it to THAT pic."

"Here, Ms Client, pick a finger..... No, not that one..... No, not that one....... Yeah, that's the one

ABSA

2006-08-31T15:02:00.000+01:00

This is my latest letter to my bank

In August 2003, I went to my local ABSA branch to register for the new FICA, or whatever it's called to prove I'm not funneling money to Osama Bin Laden. Now nearly 3 years later, I get a phonecall saying that my records has been misplaced, and you're threatening to freeze my accounts because of your incompetance. So, I took all the documentation to ABSA. A week later, and I get another call saying that my records has been lost. AGAIN.

How does something like this happen? Do you bunch run around drunk and naked round bonfires and set these records on fire or what? You would think with the exorbitant banking fees you charge that things like this wouldn't happen.

You're a bunch of incompetent buttmonkeys.